No Means No!

"No" does not mean "Yes" and "No" does not mean "Maybe". "No" means "No".

Whether you are interacting with a very young child, a pre-teen, or a teenager, "No" should unequivocally mean "No". Just as your children and students should be able to depend upon you to keep your word, they should be able to depend on the fact that when you say "No", you are not going to change your mind. When you vacillate and bow to the pressures that children masterfully apply, you become like a flag that changes direction every time the wind blows. Haven't you known individuals that would eventually change their minds if you asked enough times? Don't be that person. And don't say it if you can't deliver.

One of the great stalling techniques for parents and teachers is, "I'll think about it." I used to hate it when my mother would say that because I knew right away that I was not going to be able to manipulate her. My mother was the perfect example of "No means no". Once she made a decision, that was it. She would not bow to pressure and she would not argue with me. Period, the end.

I have found that applying my mother's principle, while difficult to do at first, became easier the more I did it. I learned to say very early on with both my children and my students, "No, and don't ask me again", AND "I don't argue with children." The equally important part of this equation is that once you say it, you must stick to it.

I have found "Let me think about it" to be an excellent discipline technique for older children....especially when they are asking permission to do something you are not sure about. Sometimes you need time to think and weigh the risks before you give permission; sometimes, you just need time to think about the ramifications of your decision. But remember, don't promise something you cannot follow-through on. "What would that be, you ask?" Well, for example, it would not be a good idea to threaten to "ground" your teenager for the rest of his or her life. You can't make that happen and you will just look foolish in the long run. Plus it will be meaningless for your child. Instead, you might say, "I need some time to think because I can't make a fair decision when I am this angry." Then take your time and come up with something reasonable that you are able to enforce.

With very young children, they soon learn that if they pester you enough, you may change your mind just to quiet them down. That is why you must begin early to stick to what you say. Small children become larger children and the requests they make become more costly and complicated. Therefore, when you are the grocery store and you say no and your child pitches a fit, you should leave your cart right there and take your child to the car. This accomplishes several things. First, it removes the audience for which the child is performing (this is also very important in a classroom); secondly, it lets your child know that you mean what you say; and thirdly, it lets your child know that you are the person in charge, not them. Yes, this is difficult. But you probably won't have to do it more than once. And whether is makes sense or not, your ability to stand firm with your word will make your child, regardless of their age, feel more secure in an environment that is predictable.