No Means No!

"No" does not mean "Yes" and "No" does not mean "Maybe". "No" means "No".

Whether you are interacting with a very young child, a pre-teen, or a teenager, "No" should unequivocally mean "No". Just as your children and students should be able to depend upon you to keep your word, they should be able to depend on the fact that when you say "No", you are not going to change your mind. When you vacillate and bow to the pressures that children masterfully apply, you become like a flag that changes direction every time the wind blows. Haven't you known individuals that would eventually change their minds if you asked enough times? Don't be that person. And don't say it if you can't deliver.

One of the great stalling techniques for parents and teachers is, "I'll think about it." I used to hate it when my mother would say that because I knew right away that I was not going to be able to manipulate her. My mother was the perfect example of "No means no". Once she made a decision, that was it. She would not bow to pressure and she would not argue with me. Period, the end.

I have found that applying my mother's principle, while difficult to do at first, became easier the more I did it. I learned to say very early on with both my children and my students, "No, and don't ask me again", AND "I don't argue with children." The equally important part of this equation is that once you say it, you must stick to it.

I have found "Let me think about it" to be an excellent discipline technique for older children....especially when they are asking permission to do something you are not sure about. Sometimes you need time to think and weigh the risks before you give permission; sometimes, you just need time to think about the ramifications of your decision. But remember, don't promise something you cannot follow-through on. "What would that be, you ask?" Well, for example, it would not be a good idea to threaten to "ground" your teenager for the rest of his or her life. You can't make that happen and you will just look foolish in the long run. Plus it will be meaningless for your child. Instead, you might say, "I need some time to think because I can't make a fair decision when I am this angry." Then take your time and come up with something reasonable that you are able to enforce.

With very young children, they soon learn that if they pester you enough, you may change your mind just to quiet them down. That is why you must begin early to stick to what you say. Small children become larger children and the requests they make become more costly and complicated. Therefore, when you are the grocery store and you say no and your child pitches a fit, you should leave your cart right there and take your child to the car. This accomplishes several things. First, it removes the audience for which the child is performing (this is also very important in a classroom); secondly, it lets your child know that you mean what you say; and thirdly, it lets your child know that you are the person in charge, not them. Yes, this is difficult. But you probably won't have to do it more than once. And whether is makes sense or not, your ability to stand firm with your word will make your child, regardless of their age, feel more secure in an environment that is predictable.

Say It And Mean It

Little Thing #3 is Say It And Mean It

Regardless of your child's age, whether a two year old or a teenager, you must be a man or woman of your word. This is critical in all matters related to children because they have an uncanny sense of fairness and very good memories. When you make a promise to a child, you'd better be prepared to keep it or you will lose all credibility and control over any future situation.

For example, if you have a very small child, you may say something like, "If you are a good boy at the dentist, I will take you to the mall to pick out a toy." Well then, if he is a good boy at the dentist, the next stop, without question, should be the mall.

Similarly, if you have a teenager, you may say something like, "Your assignments in English class must be completed before you can go out on Friday night." Well then, if the assignments are not completed, your teenager must stay home.

Those are the kinds of "promises" I am talking about. Those everyday, "little" promises that grow into big ones. "If you make straight A's, then I will take you to Disney World......" When you make an "if, then" statement to a child, you must be prepared to make it happen.

"If, then" is also an important part of discipline. "If you continue yelling, then you will go to time-out. " Well, if the yelling continues, the child should immediately be placed in time-out. No negotiating, no begging, no statements such as, "Please Mommy, I promise I won't do it again!"

If you give in to statements such as these, you will find yourself giving in to the same statements when your child is a teenager. "Please Mom, I promise I won't break curfew again."

Say it and mean it. Kids need to know they can depend on you for both the good promises and the promises that don't feel so good when those promises involve restrictions or discipline. Children of all ages need to be able to predict consequences. Children need to know that what you say today and tomorrow is the same as what you said yesterday and the day before that. I know it sounds boring. It is not. It gives children a feeling of security.

It is called, "dependability"....it is called "predictability"....it is called "good parenting" and "good teaching".

And remember: children are children and, regardless of their size, they all basically need the same things.