A Room of One's Own

When author Virgina Woolf wrote, "A Room of One's Own", I doubt she was speaking of children. However, I think that title is appropriate for my topic today. Children need a space of their own.....whether a room or simply an area of the house that they know is theirs, that no one else will violate. Setting boundaries such as this helps children develop boundaries of their own. If there is a space for them, they slowly begin to learn to respect the space of others.

In a classroom, boundaries are established by assigning a desk or table and chair to each child. Sometimes, a teacher will define personal space for each child by tape on the floor or by having each child sit on a colored mat. This is important because children feel very chaotic if they do not know where their space is. And adults feel this way also. I know when I enter a room, I want to know "where I'm supposed to go". I want someone to tell me where my space is. Children are the same. They need predictability and they need to know "where they fit".

Some children have more difficulty with personal space than others. But it is a two way street. If the child's space is not his or her own, the child will not respect the space of anyone else. If a child does not have defined space of his or her own, then everyone's space becomes their space. Children learn appropriate boundaries by the way adults model their own setting of boundaries.

Establishing boundaries early in childhood will help as your child becomes older. It may not seem significant that your little three year old goes into your purse without permission to find a pencil; it will be much more significant when that same child is a teenager and goes into your purse without permission to look for money.

Begin in small ways. Set up a system of toy storage so that your child knows where to find and store his or her playthings. Define a place at the dining table where your child sits to eat. Do not allow your child to go into your purse without permission. Remember that predictability is the key. Boundary-setting is about respecting space--physical space, personal space, emotional space. And remember that as the parent, you are the key. You are the role model.

And finally, Happy Mother's Day to all of you wonderful, hard-working mothers out there.

Set Those Boundaries!

Little Thing #2 is "Set Those Boundaries". When my grandson was two years old and became angry with me, he raised his little fist and said, "I hit Grammi!". My automatic reaction was to take hold of his arm, look him straight into the eye, and say, "You will NEVER hit your Grammi. Do you understand?". That was my boundary and he, at two years old, understood perfectly because the next thing he said was, "I sorry Grammi, I sorry".

I consider boundary-setting or setting limits the most loving thing you can do for a child whether you are a parent, a teacher, or both. Children need to know what the rules are and what the consequences are for breaking those rules. Setting limits does not make you a mean parent or a mean teacher. It makes you an individual who cares enough about a child to protect that child with rules. Much of the out of control behavior of children is because those children do not know where or when to stop. No one has said, "Enough!", and meant it.

Now, setting boundaries is not easy. At first, it will seem that you are saying "no" all the time and with very young children, you are. But as the child grows to know your limits, and as you continue to maintain your own boundaries, your child will begin to understand that you mean what you say and that you will not change your mind. You, on the other hand, will find it easier to set limits once it becomes a part of your own routine. The more you do it, the easier it will get.

Some children will accept your boundaries and not challenge you very much. With other children who have stronger personalities, it will take greater resolve and energy on your part to hold the line and not just cave in. Sometimes, it will be exhausting. That is normal. The more you maintain your boundaries and set your limits, the more your child will understand that neither you or your rules will change. The pay-off for you and for your child is this: as your child gets older and life's situations become more risky, you will have established what you will and will not accept. Does this mean your child will not test you again and again? No.... that is what children do.

But children should not be allowed to negotiate the rules. You are the adult, you should set the limits. Rules are for the safety and well-being of your child. Your child needs for you to assume this role. It is your responsibility as a parent.

And remember: children are children and, regardless of their size, they all basically need the same things.